Kotulire

Life's good.

2006-08-28T20:40:55Z

So what can I say, things are going great for me right now. Soon Me and Darryl will be moving into a much larger apartment, with Skylar (our little man is already 12 weeks old!) and lets not forget all our pets, Espin, head, squeeks, red, blue, and soon to be added cookie. I'll be picking her up later today. New place is great indoor and outdoor pools play ground, family room. big deck. love everything about it. My sweet baby girl is looking and acting more like her Mama evertime I see her. I own 2 cars now, one sees more use then the other but thats okay. Still get to drive the '04 mustang quiet a lot! Wedding date is set for Septermber 11th 2008, so Skylar will be old enough to be the ring bearer, of course my muchykins Ariana will be our flower girl. Already found the perfect dress, almost back down to my original size before my pregnacy with Skylar, of course i have no intentions of just droping back to my old size. Either way. I can't complain. things are comfy right now. going to the state fair again this year, and the ren. fest is on the adjenda. You have to live life to enjoy life and I like to say that I live life to its fullest each and every day. I'm happy with the way things have gone in my life and can not wait for each day to come.

Well well, San Francisco and so much more....

2005-09-02T16:13:33Z

Hey, alright I've been working hard and keeping busy. I spent 2 wonderful weeks out in SanFrancisco CA. And couldn't have been Happier! It was a beautiful city with much to offer. I spent so many days walking hand in hand with a truly wonderful man, and he showed me the things the city had to offer and so much more about life. I saw Japan town, China town, fisherman's warf, Mission disctrict, Russian district, Sunset Disrict, SF zoo, And went to a festival Oh God did I ever have fun. watching the sunset over the ocean as your curled up on the beach under a blanket close together with a bonfire going. Or how about laying about on the couch enjoying ISI's? LOL that was a blast, Do you remember that? I bet you do how could you not? The shows we watched the games we played curling up side-by-side as we fell alseep in each others arms. It was a glorious 2 weeks, that is to be repeated soon. I'm planing to move to S.F. here soon, and will be out there for the holidays (Sory but no sister sky and brother jack for you thie x-mas season buddy!) Things are great as can be. I've been back from S.F. for a little while in a strong relationship thats getting closer then ever, I'm engeged to a super great wonderful guy. He's 26, has held the same job for YEARS now, we're moving into our own place here within a couple weeks, we're just waiting for them to finish putting down the new carpet, and paint and we want the paint smell gone before we move all of our stuff in. I have a to die for gorious engament ring with 8 DIAMONDS! AND 4 SAPHIRES in it!! it's a site to behold! My dear sweet feiance makes more then enough money for us to live comfortably and travel, I even have the ablitiy to spend my day out shopping instead of working. lol. Which is nice but I'm going to be starting a new job as soon as the move is compleated, its the best job in the world and totaly great, I get to opporate a ride ^_^ totaly fun huh? It's part time, so i start and finnish before my dear loved one is home, so we can spend all our free time together. We love hanging out with Matt and his daughter Bailey, she's so cute, she's 5, Darryl acts like a father to her, he wants to have kids with me someday but we're holding off on that. We're doing things in the right order. :P He makes me the happiest i've ever been, holding open doors, picking flowers for me, taking me to new places I've never been. Even dealing with my silly whims of Hey wanna go to the zoo/park/mall and just walk around. Then again he apeals to so many sides of me. He treats me with respect and belives relationships are 50/50 not woman does the cooking and cleaning, althoe I love to do that anyways. I can't wait till we move to our new place its beautiful! We went to the state fair opening day and saw, 3 doors down, stained, breaking benjamin, no address, OMG that concert was great! Perfect seats, And fun as could be, he won me a bunch of stuffies in the mid-way too. I have a nice beautiful ($200) dress that he bought me to wear to his co-workers wedding. I look killer in it! I've slimed down quiet a bit in the almost 2 years since my speration from my biggest form of stress, (he who shall not be named) I'm thin, tall, beautiful and better looking then ever, and have a great guy to go with it. My life couldn't be better right now. Todd and Kathy are the most wonderful people in the world, raising my daughter, Ariana is beautiful and looking more like me as time goes by. It's so great to have a wonderful daughter like her. Ahhhh yes LIFE IS WONDERFUL!!! I couldn't ask for more, because there is nothing more I need in life. I'm thankful that each day I wake up to a hug and kiss, hearing 'good moring my beautiful princess'

kotulire @ 2004-05-05T00:21:00

2004-05-05T05:26:09Z

So it's been a while since I've posted, and guess what! Life is going great! I've lost weight, been free, and have full custody of my daughter, and the jerk only has visitaion rights. Oh well. I don't care. Life is good, I'm happy to be me! I never realized how wonderful life could be when someone isn't controling everything you do. I've been going out with Joe, who doesn't mind picking me up loves me droping by his work and visiting, and takes me out to dinner even opens doors for me. We plan on going out drinking one of these nights, and you better belive it, if the wolves win big, we're gonna party! And You wouldn't belive all the fun I've been having with Steve, talk about a great friend! I get to spend about every other saturday night with him, just talking playing on the computers, and occasinaly drinking. I love life. Men have been hitting on me left and right when I go out. It's wonderful to be so cute and wanted. Best thing about life right now, Freedom. I have Ariana and take good care of her, and I know that there is help for me when I need it. My health has been down a bit latly I have to wear a heart montior for the next 30 days to see whats going on, because I've ended up in the hospital twice last month less then 10 days apart. But things will be better with that soon. So, love to Ariana. Mommy has you and always will.

How is one soposed to feel?

2004-02-12T20:48:05Z

I know a few people have complained about things I have posted in my live journal. I really don't care, after all you don't have to read what I write. But lots of things have happend and alot of things are ignored....

I have said many MANY times before that me and CJ are still Married, does that excape peoples minds? If he dates, or has any kind of sexual relation while we are still married I can get spousal suport and alot of other things that wouldn't exsist if none of that happend.... No matter how you look at it, he is still a married man.

One of my biggest things I've begged and asked for, to keep me from going over the edge was asking you to wait. Not telling you to NEVER have any relationship, but to just WAIT. wait till he's out of the house so the relationship isn't in my face. That is the most painful thing. He is my husband, or does it not bother you at all that he is married and has a daughter? everytime you have broke it off I have seen glimces of things that I have told you about. And I have heard alot of times that you will break it off, that you wont date him, that you want to step out of the situation because your losing your other friends. And I feel like everytime we talk or you talk to him, then you flip back to I want to be with him I don't care. If you want to be with him that bad then at least do me the small favor of waiting till I have my couceling set up, and that I'm a coupple days into the out pacient program. That shouldn't be that much to ask.

I have had a two year realtionship with Cj and I have taken him back after alot of mistakes, perhaps I live in a bit of a fantasy world wanting to belive that everything will be okay. But then again in my mind I don't think it is a fantasy world, and I dont expect things to be perfect.

I have talked with his mom, my mom, endless amounts of people about how I feel. I've read through books, Did you know 90% of married coupples during there first year of marrige seperate for 2 months then get back together, 96% when there are kids involved. Some of the stuff I've heard from my mother-in-law can't be repeated, at least not on here, and it gives me some hope as well.

If you want to keep saying that I'm continuing a phyco drama then fine.

If you want someone that can't stay true in a relationship fine, he'll cheat on you as well. I have no doubt about that. He has his ways with words, he'll convince anyone of anything. After all, look at me, I had his child, and begged him if he was to leave me do it before she was born. he swore he would never leave, never hurt me, and that I could be the one person I could always trust. But well, lets look at all that, well never leave... hmm, divorce hits on that one and it also hits on the never hurt me part. He did cheat on me, told me he was sorry and that It was nothing, and that he still wanted to be with me.... I belived him and I took him back... and he cheated again. Always could trust him? well, I think that one is obvious enough that I don't need to state anything else.

Maybe I was the stupid one for marrying him, or perhaps I'm the dumb one for still loving him and wanting to stay with my marrige vows. I had always told him, I'd rather have an open relationship where we would fight about it at first, but I would have to accept it, and at least have him home and know he loved me and his daughter, then to have him leave me. THat used to be just fine with him, he used to think that was okay. I told him I couldn't do it myself thoe, that I couldn't break my vows, and that even before we were married I couldn't cheat on him even if he knew about it and was perfectly okay. But the fact still remains that we are married and I do still love him. And if your going to date him, at least wait till I'm having help to deal with it. wait till I have the couceling set up, and a coupple days as outpacient. For that shouldn't be too much to ask.

TO CJ: I still love you and I still have hopes that one day you will realize what we had all the goodness, with the bad. But the day you return will be one of the hardest days in my life, just like the day that I say good-bye to you. For the day you return (if you return) will leave two heavy questions for me to answer, Can I trust you? and Do I want to be with you after all the hurt that has been caused? thoes questions will always remain in my mind.

I know that this has gotton long, and I have a feeling that I will hear alot of crap about it, and be bitched at for it, but if that's the way things happen, then that is what happens. I have spoken my feelings, and tried to be as kind in my words as I can. this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to write. And I don't know how to end it....

For your infromation....

2004-02-12T17:13:07Z

Becuase of everything that has been said, and people seem to think I'm depressed to get attention, this will be posted for the next 24 hours then removed....

THIS IS AN E-mail from felicia:

Subject: its done, im done

I am really sick and tired of your games. Of your lies. Yes I said
lies. You have lied more then me and cj put together. At least our lie
wasnt meant to hurt you. It was to protect you, to keep you away from harm.
But you fucking destroyed that. Any help I have tried to give you, you
have shit on. You have betrayed me over and over and i keep letting
you. Maliciously going behind my back to get me kicked out of the trailer
was just one of your many ploys to exert dominice over a situation you
lost control over. You pretend to care and then you bash me unrelentlsy
behind my back. and you use me. you used your "suicidal intentions" to
make me stay out of a marriage you fucked up long before i was
involved. I am not the reason you two split. You are. There is nothing that i
could do to make him love you again, cuz face it he just doesnt anymore.
I am sick of you using me to keep me away from him. It killed me last
night to have to break things with him. Killed me. Am i not fucking
allowed to have fucking feelings? Am i to suffer cuz of all your fucking
mistakes? Should I continue to deny myself happiness so you can fuck
around some more? I was worried about you. I wanted you to get help. But
you fucking lied to everyone. Not suicidal my fucking ass. Fine, you
arent suicidal, then fine i wont have to worry about you anymore. No more
nights without sleep cuz i am afraid that you are lying dead in a pool
of your own blood. and dont think i dont know about the lies you told
the doctors at abbott about me and cj, or how about the lies you told mia
that she told EVERYONE! Yeah talked to terran, she had all of them
convinced I was fucking your goddamn husband, when it wassnt even true.
Nothing had even happened yet. And telling the doctors that we have been
sleeping together to make yourself just seem a little stressed is
hideuos and a betrayl of this sick thing you call our friendship. No more. No
fucking more. I am done doing things to protect you, i am done doing
things to shield you. CJ loves me regardless of anything you say or do.
And guess what you psychotic bitch I love him too. I care what happens
to Ariana as well, but frankly you are unfit to care for her. You come
after me, you want to kill me, fine go ahead, ruin the rest of your
pathetic life. Cuz you kill me, not only do you lose cj forever you lose
ariana, and any freedoms you have. I wanted you to get help. I was
willingly to break my own heart to give you what little chance you had with
cj back. But you betrayed me. You took what i offered and fucked me in
the ass with it. No wonder you never really wanted to spend time with me
unless it was for your own gain. Do you think I am stupid? Do you think
I am that naive? I know youve been using me to both keep tabs on CJ and
to ensure that I stay away from him. Only when i dont have uses do you
not talk to me.

I dont care anymore. Not only am i spending Valentine's with CJ, that
wont be the only holiday i spend with him. He also wants a divorce. and
if you cant cope with that, and if his parents deem you unfit, as they
just might, then be prepared to have ariana taken away as well. You
have two choices. Either get over this, be a good mother and move the fuck
on, or continue this psycho drama and end up with nothing.

Have a good life

The whore that fucked your husband... or at least will be when you two
are good and divorced.

NOW can someone tell me how I'm soposed to feel??

Out in the open... deal with it.

2004-02-11T20:25:41Z

Well it's in the open. I was hurt by two people I thought I could trust a coupple days ago. I had known something was going on, and that it was a freaking lie that everything was fine. Well now I know the truth. I know the truth and you can't hide it. Then I hear one thing after I find out. and then the next day get a diferent story. LETS SEE NO WONDER I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF!!!!! THANK YOU MUCH!!!! Seeing as I'm putting this stuff into the open I might as well come out all the way with everything. Last week I had a Miscarrige. I knew back in decemeber that I was probably pregnat but didn't tell CJ because the day I was going to tell him, he told me about divorce. Now what? I went on and didn't tell him, then I told him about a week ago, only have told one other person. That person is my only friend it feels like. SHE WAS HONEST WITH ME! So a coupple days after I informed him, I started to miscarry from all the stress. THANK YOU AGAIN!!!! Things have been fucked over may times for me. ANd right now I don't think I can trust anyone. I hear one of the two guilty parites for my want of death telling me that they wish to step away from the situation. And yet at the same time, she still wants to be with member #2 of the guilty party. If what #1 has said to me, really has happend that things have gotten cancled and stuff then #2 definatly doesnt show it. #2 would deffinatly be showing SOME kind... ANY KIND of depression over it. SO what am I to belive? Huh I mean seriously, WHAT AM I TO BELIVE?!?!?!?!?!?!
Last night I went to the hospital cuz i told the doctors at the clinic I had thoughts of suicide. the doc at the clinic wanted to put me on a 72 hour hold at the hospital. I talked her into sending me for a phyc eval. and have them determine. After spending SEVERAL hours in the hospital and a good hour or so talking to the phycologist, I was giving the option of staying over night, or going home but not back to my house, to a house where someone could help me with the baby. SO I slept at my in-laws. Right now I'm thankful that I had lied at the hospital. the thought of suicide hasn't left my head, today it's stronger then it was yesterday after talking on the phone. But oh well. Honestly I think there are only a few people who would care. Who are they? Todd, kath, my family, james, mia, lindsey. THAT IS IT! I don't think anyone else would care. If they would care, they would be taking steps that would help me get away from the thought of suicide, NOT MAKING ME GO TWORDS THEM. Everyone knows who I'm talking about. And i really don't care. ANd yeah I had felt better after being at the hospital, and it made me feel alot better the fact that my husband drove me and stayed there with me. But right now, I'm going downward, and there is nothing that seems to be there to stop it. Just a side note, I did throw up today. and aslo, too many way in this house to take ones life.... this house is bad for me to be at right now. I had wanted to leave SEVERAL hours ago, I wanted to go home, when I was told by work that I've been REALLY cut back. But HE didn't let me go home, and HE hasn't called to check in on me, and HE was soposed to come over here when he was done talking to.... ya know.... But haven't seen hide nor hair of him, haven't found him online, or had him answer the phone. LOVELY HUH????? MAKES ME FEEL LIKE CRAP!!!! My ONLY hope is that because of the snow he went into the ditch. But then again he will probably lie about that. JUST LIKE HE LIED ABOUT GOING HOME AND TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT!!!! THANKS SO MUCH FOR LIEING!! WEll Daughter is asleep now would be a good time. If your lucky perhaps your dad would wake up in time to find me.... fuck the world, life hates me... blah blah blah all that suicide note crap.

Life today...

2004-02-04T20:41:28Z

Well it sucks. plain and simple sucks. I got to sleep last night after about 2-3 hours of trying to sleep, only to get the phone to wake me up.... which in responce made me get out of bed. From there it all went down hill. Horrible stomach pains, and I threw-up but not just ehh oh well I relived dinner... but there was some blood... not a happy thing, from that point on I was hurting and stressed feeling, and constantly on the edge of worshiping the porcelin god again. I finaly got back to sleep.. for about 5 mins... then the baby woke me up fussing and playing at the same itme. I got cranky and try to make her quiet.. but as a horrible mom, I sniped at her which sent her from playing to crying and screaming, I instantly felt horrible, I tried to hug her and tell her I was sorry and that mommy loves her... but she wouldn't stop Cj came and picked her up, instantly she was quiet. So he took her from the room and I tried to go back to sleep... this whole thing took place over the course of 3... maybe 4 hours. wake up in the morning have Cj call me in sick to work. Went to Urgent care this morning, only to be told, that I wont die, but I'm gonna hurt for a while and that's all they know... Fun, how helpful! NoT! Oh well... I desided after that crap I needed to go somewhere and do something, so I went to game stop, and put harvest moon on reserve... except I dont have a game cube.. I just wanted the cow, which now hangs from my rear-view mirror. And I went to Barns and noble where I got a Calvin and hobbs book (hard cover) for $10 on sale... picked-up Cj and the baby and so then me and cj with baby went to JoAnn's cuz I didn't want to go home, and he desided to see if there was anything there he would want. With my discount. But he didnt find anything. Oh well, it was still nice to go to the store with him. But now I'm home and trying to relax.

breaking point

2004-01-27T04:37:53Z

I am having a compleat and total mental break down right now. The man I love, the man I married, the man who 2 months ago talked about having a bigger family, wants next to nothing to do with me, and absoulutly nothing to do with me right now. I have done my best to keep the peace, I have stoped complaing about everything, I'm stopped screaming at him for wanting to be gone all the time, I no longer complain when he goes off for 7+ hours a day and leaves me home when he knows there are places I wish to go. Tonight I was scared as hell and worried out of my mind about him, and I still am. when he said he would be home before 7 and I couldnt reach him till 9, I was scared that something had happend in the shitty weather, maybe he had gone off the road and crashed into a tree and was injured or stuck in some ditch freezing, or worse. Then when I get a hold of where he's at he didn't want to talk to me, but when he finnaly did he said he didnt want to come home, that home isnt a happy place for him anymore. He didnt sound like anyone I knew, he sounded like a compleatly different person which is scaring the hell outta me, I'm so worried about him, and I want to stand by him and help him with what I can, even thoe I keep hearing most people tell me to just drop him forgetabout him and leave him on the side of the road and tell him good-bye. But I can't do that. I know right now he's depressed (weather he admits it or not) and that there is something more behind all the things going on, but I can never seem to reach it. I've been keeping the peace the best way possible by renting movies and watching them with him. I put a guitar on layway, I bought him the cables to use to hook it up to the computer, I've given him money so he could go out and eat with his friends while i stayed home. I've been thinking alot more before I speak to avoid arguments. but even with everythhing I do he seems to wat nothing to do with me. I want to be friends at least, I want to be treated like a friend and have him sit and watch a movie with me.... He did not sound like himself tonight on the phone I have honestly NEVER heard him like that before. and it scares me, I want him to be okay, I want to know that in the end he will still be here.

I know you said you would agree to only one coupple and one individual couceling session. But would you please consider going to maybe more then just one, but maybe 2? if not for your sake, or my sake, but for the sake of your daughter? please think about it, and dont be mad at me for asking. I only wish that if things end compleatly they end peacfuly with us as friends.

stress cleaning death and hurt...

2004-01-18T07:28:45Z

So I cleaned the house today, it's been about a week since i went to my first counceling apointment and was told to take one hour each day and do something I enjoy as a way of reliving stress, and that it was nessassary I dont miss it. Well I got one day in where I had 'therapy time' the rest of the time i feel like i got screwed over. I broke my hand was over 12 hours before it got checked even. My Uncle Bud died, I'm having a VERY HARD TIME dealing with that. One day I learned he had cancer the next day I was informed he had died. I loved... still love him very much. And it's hard to deal with, it hurts just as much to me as when I had found out my grandfather had died. But this time I feel like I have no shoulder to cry on, no one to hug me and tell me that it's okay because they still love me. I dont even have people that want to be near me right now. I so desperatly dont want to be alone, the only way I know how to deal with death is by being around thoes who are alive and can talk to me, sure the baby can say 'mama baba' and other noises but I need people NEED PEOPLE! I need to be hugged and Know that my time to leave this earth isn't right around the corner because I have something to live for, and that there are people who want me to still be alive and be around them. But I don't feel that right now. My mother in-law is the only one I feel makes any effort to talk to me and let me know that she cares, my mom cares, but doesn't understand as much about what I need. She hurts alot herself and doesnt know how to comfort others when she feels that way.

GOD, Why are things the way they are? Is there anyone out there who does still care about me, besides my daughter? For I feel that I am alone in this world. Wanting to have a hug and just have someone tell me, 'I care about you and I want you to be here tommarow and the day after' If I could hear that I would feel a great pain lifted off my heart.

No dont think i'm going to kill myself because of this post. I just want people to know how i feel and hope someone really cares about me and lets me know.

Ehh... me love you long time

2004-01-13T23:06:39Z

Your Love Situation by Amberishjewel
Username?
Your Love Is...	Rough
During Lovemaking You Act...	Like a river, very refreshing
Your Partner Is...	Your everything
Your Partner Has Said That You...	Are their bitch
Your Love is Summed Up In A Quote.	"I love your lips"

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Confusion, fustration

2004-01-04T01:53:49Z

Right now, I'm in this world that makes my head spin, and ach with confusion. I never know what to do what to say or what I can do without someone being pissed at me. But I also have the right to be annoyed that I'm the last one to know that someone's invited to our house without my knowlage, it's pure consideration to ask one of the owners of the house if it's okay with them, but I guess I dont matter, no one seems to inform me of anything, and then everyone is getting told that I was mad at them or something when I wasn't so someone is fucking up what I say and think about others. I hate this. I mean seriously how the heck am I soposed to get any help when I can't get help from thoes around me. And I'm sorry but Hubby ex-hubby whatever you want to call yourself, YOUR STILL MARRIED TO ME, and you own me a little decency to know when you want people to come over it's my house too. You need to ask me at times, I can't help myself with alot of extra people around. It's hard enough right now to try to do anything to fix my FUCKED UP past without suport and understanding from the one I married and have been compleatly devoted to.

Serously does anyone think I can fix several years of being fucked up, nearly raped and beating by ex's in a short time without suposrt? I can't I need all the suport I can get, and I need leniacny I need my space, I need to be able to leave my house and have some time to myself and talk to theos who can help me, But I can't when the car is constantly gone. I need help from people I need them to do things so I can help myself, but when they dont give me access to things I can't do anything to help myself. So They need to stop expecting maricles, and to stop thinking that I'm going to be just fine and not fusterated when I cant do what I need to to relive my stress. DOESN'T THAT MAKE SENCE??????!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

just to share

2003-12-31T07:37:27Z

Compassion: You are there to share your sympathy
with others. People would consider you
affectionate and caring, and someone to look up
to.

Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait)
brought to you by Quizilla

When fuxed do drugs

2003-12-31T07:33:50Z

Yes, that title is apropriate. So I finaly found out alot of the reason behind the recently desided split between my husband and I. My depression, that I didn't realize how out of hand it had gotton to be. ........... funny how him breaking apart from me makes my depression about 1000000000000000000000000x's worse........... I really wish I had know that it was that bad and causing him such a hard time, and driving him away. I would have sought help alot sooner. IE the drug line, I'm now on anti-depresents, and with the help of Jen who can understand how much I'm hurting over the break-up I'll be able to go to counceling that takes donations, and doesn't change you up the arse for it. Jen gave me another peice of advice which was somethig that I myself had not thought of before, in her terms 'Become the Ice queen' in other words Don't let him get to me too much I need to stay in some kid of shape, ad I need to stop talking to him about 'Why this? Why that? Are we? But what about?' I just need to drop thoes compleatly, and I'm going too. I did talk to Cj telling him about the my med plans (which was before i went to UC to get on them) and about counccceling and to look at me again in about 2 weeks, and see how I've changed, then look again in perhaps a month and then consider if he wats to give this relationship another try. I really hope that we can work things out and stay together. My love for him is deeper then I thought I could love someone, and I want for us to be together, and I want for us to stay a family.... But I do realize that it's not my choice and that if he desides that he's not seen a change in me, or that he just does't wat to try again for any reason, Then I shall have to be strong and carry o with raisig Ariana and doing the best I can, Knowing that I have people to suport me.

when in doubt...

2003-12-25T19:37:27Z

When in doubt it's best to just shut your mouth be quiet, and submissive, thats how I used to be, quietm never speaking my mind and always doing what was told. And never leting a single person ever see me cry. Then a single person came along and changed that, telling me to speak out tell them how i felt, and that on one would think me a lesser person for crying. I listened, and slowly went from submissive to a more domante person.... I wish I never did... I should have just stay with what i knew, and stayed forever quiet, and crying silent tears at night. thinks would be different now, in alot of ways. fear does odd things to a person. You never know how a single person can change your life. until it's too late. one person made me the submissive quiet person out of fear, I have the scars and stuff to show for that. Another person changed me into a louder more out going person, but that has taken its toll on my heart. I know not want to do or say it's like being on a tight rope above the earth, and your looking down and watching all the happy people, but every time you start to step off or even sway people look at you diferently and began to want nothing to do with you. And so out of fear you stand still watching the happiness, and confusions of everyday life, wanting to feel like a person, like an acctual human rather then some object alone with only a small pourpose, which waviers at any momet and may not exisit in an instant.

quiz and stuff...

2003-08-03T23:40:05Z

You are bisexual.

What is your sexual orientation?
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Hmm that brings up a point, that no one thinks I own some of the things I do, or feel the way I do about some things... people seem to look at me and think I'm some sort of perfect little Angel type of girl... people are blind but sometimes it's a good thing... Oh well, people can think what they want, and I'll be who I am, and do who & what I want... ^_~ I'm a bad little girl.... *cracks whip*

More quizes and stuff

2003-08-02T00:56:20Z

Well went and saw American Wedding, it was good. But the way into the theater wasn't so good. It was the first time of me leaving Ariana alone for more then about 20min since she has come home, so I wanted to have the cell phone. And my not-so-nice-husband-to-be called me stupid for insisting on bringing it in. Gee that makes me feel wonderful to be called stupid! THANKS HON!!NOT! *sighs & shakes head* Men really have no clue how hard it is for us moms to leave our little ones... it's going to be a long time before I want to leave her with someone for that long again....
Sorry had to say it... needed to...

The seductress. You're the child of the dark, a
beautiful creation of ethereal power, and the
such...how ever, your dark side often over
takes what little good is in you. You may be
manipulitive, or possibly, a flat out
bitch...making yourself happy by using the
people around you. Making them think you have
some sort of caring for them, but don't forget,
this is just a stereotype. Enjoy your self
proclaimed hell.

What Kind of Person Are You?
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You are the Fire fairy. People are probably
attracted to you because you have a very
interesting and fun personality.

What Fairy Do You Represent?
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Quiz Bordom

2003-07-30T02:23:27Z

You're a smurf!

What 80's Cartoon Are You?
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Threat rating: Medium. Your total lack of decent
family values makes you dangerous, but we can
count on some right wing nutter blowing you up
if you become too high profile.

What threat to the Bush administration are you?
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LOVE is your chinese symbol!

What Chinese Symbol Are You?
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You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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Nerdslut

What's your sexual appeal?
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quiz

2003-07-26T01:40:26Z

Numenorean

To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
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Been a while... Alot has happend....

2003-07-24T08:49:18Z

Sort and sweet version: Got kitties, and had a baby.
Long detailed version: Went to St.Paul the weekend before I had to go in to be induced, Me and Hubby each picked out a cute kitten, I chose a white and orange female tabby (didn't know it was female till we took it to the vet) and he picked a white kitten with a bit of a brown halo on it's head (male). ended up taking them to the vet a coupple days after getting them. Oh yeah the names are Chub-Chub and Lucifer. Found out cats had worms medicated them and brought them back home. ^_^ SO cute.

Tuesday 28th of June, went to Methodist hospital to be induced due to the fact that Our darling daughter was nearly 2 weeks late at that point.

**** I AM KEEPING THIS PART SHORT FOR NOW DUE TO THE FACT I'M FREAKING TIRED ****

So tuesday went in about 3 o'clock started the induction a coupple hours later, tuesday went by, wensday went by for the most part. Let me tell you I was starting to die by late night wensday. I was dialted to 8cm, and walking the halls. finaly I said the heck with it and got an epidural. OH GOD! THAT HURTS LIKE HELL!!! 2 shots of novacaine in the back! OUCHIE!! they the fun cathiter that goes INTO THE SPINE... yeah, it took a bit after that but in about a half hour I was feeling more comfortable. and managed to get some sleep. about 3am they broke my water. things backed off a bit. at 11am they told me the baby was in a bad position and that I was looking like i should/needed to have a c-section.
I'm going to say this, signing that consent form to have the c-section was one of the hardest things I have EVER done. I cried so hard signing it. It was like my right to have that whole natural birth prosses was taken away from me. as soon as it was signed people started to fly about the room doing things and before I knew it I was being wheeled out of the room away from CJ and my mom to the OR to be preped. they up'ed the meds that I was getting through the epidural, and checked to see if I felt anything, I did, so they up'ed it more and waited, CJ and my mom came into the OR room, but weren't there long because I could still feel things and they put me to sleep. I cried watching them leave it hurt so much.

Ariana Lilly Lynn was born at 11:44AM July 3rd 2003. She weighed 10lbs 9 oz, and was 23inches long. She was 2 weeks 1 day over due. She looks alot like her daddy.

I saw her for the first time for a few brief seconds around 2 o'clock in the afternoon. As I was being moved from a recovery room to a postpartum room. I saw her for about 30 seconds when I was still groggy and had my glasses off. I could bairly reach over to touch her hand. I know I had tears rolling down my cheeks at that point, I wanted to hold her so much.
When I got to my room they told me she had been having sezuiers and couldn't be brought to my room. A wonderful nurse was nice enough to take a coupple poloroids of her and give them to me. That was the only way I was really able to see her until later that night. when I had to pain stakingly force myself to sit up and get out of the bed and into a wheel chair. I could no longer stand not being able to see my daughter nor to holder. my sister and neice were the only ones with me at the time and watched on as it took my over a half hour to turn and put my legs over the edge of the bed to stand up, turn and sit in a wheel chair. When I finaly got to the nursery and laid eyes on her I couldn't belive how wonderful I felt, it was amazing that I had carried her for all this time, and I was now able to look at her. I cried, and just sat there watching her and holding her hand for a long time before I finaly got to hold her. I had wished so badly that her dad was their to share that moment with me, but he was off at home sleeping in a comfortable bed. I sat there for the longest time holding her it was such a wonderful thing. But I was beganing to drift off to sleep holding her and had her placed back in the basinet.

She was taken to Children's Hospital on firday afternoon I was able to get a pass to go see her on saturday and on sunday. Monday morning I was released from the hospital, after a short trip home we went to Children's Hospital where I stayed every night until she was finaly released last monday. It was discovered she had a B-6 dependency, which is very rare and there has only been 100 reported cases since 1954.

Well I know that this has become very long. But that's whats been going on. I hope to put some pictures of her up soon.

Shame on me...

2003-05-16T04:10:54Z

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Just felt like sharing

2003-05-12T19:30:13Z

Well I was looking over what I have and what I need for this little one on the way... and I realized that I don't have as much as I really need... Family has been nice and got me a few things, I've picked up some myself at garage sales (some have great deals) but it still doesn't change the fact I don't have all that I need. I desided to put my gift registrys on here, and that way if anyone wishes to send a gift for the little one to welcome it to the world, feel free to.

Target:
http://www.target.com/gp/registry/registry.html/ref=cm_lc_sr_1/602-3505307-3350264?id=144JXDU5RCHQ9

Wal-mart:
http://www.walmart.com/cservice/ca_giftregistry_detail.gsp?registry_id=18640163001

I just want to say Thanks to thoes of you whom have been suportive.

I'm a bad girl... ^_~

2003-05-12T19:12:13Z

My freakiness score is: 315
Are you a freak?
Find out your freakiness level.

Not much going on here... Life is so/so not going good but not going bad either. I did have a fairly nice Mother's Day, we went to Uncle Tim's house... which was okay, good food, lots of relitives (his side) I got a card from my in-laws to be. I gave a card to my mom. Not much else really happend.

Anywho I'm really hungry right now, so yeah.... I'm gonna see if I can find some food...

Housing and baby stuff...

2003-04-29T08:12:06Z

Well good news, we will be moving into our trailer on June 11th or 12th. So that is a whole 7/6 days before I'm due. I have recived a few gifts from family members, a book and bib from my grandmother, grandpa, and aunt. And a hand made baby quilt who was made by Aunt Mary (his side of the family) My future mother in-laws side of the family wants to have us out to osakis to have dinner, and give us some gifts. ^_^ It's so nice of them, but the soonest weekend that would work out for everyone else (because any weekend would work for us) isn't until the sunday before I'm due, so 3 days before hand basicly. Heh, they think it would be a bad idea because they figure that I would end up going into labor and deliver at the local hospital up there. LOL I don't think so! I'm fine with going up there, althoe everyone else thinks I should worry, (pfft to them) I figure if I start to have labor pains I will tell them we should leave, and simple as that, there's no way I'm not delivering at my hospital, I will 'hold it'. ^_^

Side note, one of the ladies in my online 'Due in June' group has already had her little one! She had a baby girl named Kennedy, who was born on April 26th, 5lbs 12oz, 19 inches long! ^_^ SO CUTE!!

Long time no talk.

2003-04-12T01:19:22Z

Well okay, I admit it that it has been a very long time since I have written anything in here. Well there is some good news, some bad, some okay, and some that stuff that one one would really care about. I'll start with the older stuff first.

About 3 weeks ago my mothers friend Kandi, died. I was kinda close to her myself, And I really do miss her, it seems odd that she has died, I guess that when your growing up the people you meet and get to know you think wont ever die. It was a bit of a shock to me. She will be missed dearly to me, and to my mother, and her husband Paul that she left behind after 10 years of marriage.
(Odd side note: Paul seems alot like an older CJ to me.... really strange, no way to explain it really...)

I had a doctor's appointment 2 weeks ago, where my mid-wife lied to me. I am not going to go back to her, I can't stand seeing someone who has lied to me about medical information. But on the plus side I did my glucose test, and it came back negitive, so I don't have gestational diabeties.

Also 2 weeks ago (coupple days after my doc appointment) I found an ad for a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom doubble wide trailer house. I called and we went out to see it on that sunday. We being Cj Steve and me, with the idea that the three of us could live there and split bills and ect, ect. It was REALLY nice inside, and had lots of cubord space, and the guys were nuts over it. I liked it alot but refused to think too much seeing as I didn't want to get my hope up.

We liked it but Steve ended up being a no for moving which really sucked, so we figured it wasn't possible but we talked to the in-laws.

Week last (ie 1 week ago) We took the in-laws to see it and they were really impressed and felt that it would be a good place for us to live at and have the baby. That night we put in a bid, but it was only good if we got finacing by that friday, We talked to the bank and they said '35% down, 10% intrest over the next 3-5 years! OUCH! So we, or at least I, had figured that we would not be able to aford the place and we would just have to go looking for an apartment. We stoped in at good-year, where daddy in-law said he would take care of it so we could have the place! ^_^

well turns out stuff happens now we don't know if we'll get the place. It has put TOO much stress on me! I have started to have contractions and show several signs of pre-term labor... not good! I'm only 30 weeks, and I have 10 more to go! If the stress leve doesn't drop I will end up in the hospital. I almost ended up there 2 nights ago from the pain I was in... not a good thing at all!!! I had even called the mid-wife on duty and everything, and she gave me very specific directions and told me if I wasn't better in about 30 minutes to call her back and that she would set up a room for me at the hospital to be monitored.... UGH!

STRESS IS A BAD BAD THING!! but on the plus side I did see my neice whom I haven't seen since christmas, and oh my god! She was crawling around and talking away! She has learened alot in these past few months!! I was shocked!

Well that's all for now. I know I know, that is a fair amount, and damn it was a long enough post. I'm just hoping that everything goes okay from now on, or at least a little better, GEESH! I'm so wore out a tired right now that it's nuts! This kid is finaly starting to affect me!

not much, just a quiz

2003-03-13T00:42:14Z

Your Heart is Blue

What Color is Your Heart?
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